A number of French beach communities have decided to ban the “burkini”, a swimsuit designed for Muslim women that covers their entire bodies like the wrapper around a fast food hamburger.
While there is an argument that this ban denies certain citizens of their right to religious expression, those arguments forget that France is a place for topless beaches full of cigarette smoking hotties with exquisite breasts.
Allowing people to run around in burkinis would fundamentally change western culture. Musicians would have to sing songs that go, “it was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie, enormous black burkini, that she wore so her husband wouldn’t honor kill her.”
Going to the beach is a huge pain in the ass. You have to pack up the car, drive through traffic, and find parking. But people still go because it is a fun place where they can be surrounded by other people having fun. Beachgoers want to lay in the sand and see people playing frisbee with a golden retriever, while Danny and Sandy show off, splashing around (woah woah woah!).
But when the beach also contains a grown woman looking like a walking inner tube in order to appease the rules of her antiquated religion, it kills the “good vibrations.”
Beaches depend on tourism, and the French are Roy Scheider seeing the great brown shark ready to ruin their holiday business. They realize that if someone’s beach outfit is so enormous that it makes them look like the Goodyear blimp, complete with DHL sponsorship, then it is not a fun beach outfit. As the French Prime minister put it, the burkini is not a style choice it is a statement against the west, western values, and France:
“expressions of an archaic vision of women in public places … The burkini is not a new swimwear fashion; it’s the transmission of a political project, against society, founded notably upon the subjection of women. Some people try to portray those who wear them as victims, as though we were calling liberty into question. But there is no liberty to subjugate women.”
Critics say the burkini ban is just Islamophobia, but they are missing the point. This is not a trivial argument over who is baking a gay wedding cake. This is a stand against women living their entire lives with 95% of their bodies shielded from the world, like they are a human sleeping bag a hiker forgot to roll up into his backpack.
The ban is a statement for gender equality and a win for communities. It is said that good fences make for good neighbors, but that adage doesn’t necessarily apply when the people are wearing those fences on their faces.
A burkini is a signal to fellow beach goers that you need to cover your body like a grandmother covers her couch, because you believe every other person at the beach is a pervert. And that message just doesn’t make for a mellow day at the beach.