The Celebrity Apprentice is really easy to watch but impossible to enjoy. It’s the TV equivalent of elevator music – if elevator music made you dumber and declared itself “Da numbah one music in the country” every five seconds.
That’s the main problem with Celebrity Apprentice. Trump makes all these outlandish claims – about the show, about himself, about the contestants, and none of them are even close to true. Celebrity Apprentice is not even close to the #1 show in the country. Each year the contestants have worse credits, and often they’re just from other reality shows. We get “models. The show has had no less than three contestants claim that they were the worlds first super model, which I guess is an easy claim to make since its not even a real thing. It seems this year’s big get is one of the Real Housewives. The contestants think the entire country knows her for flipping over a table a few years ago. If you’re a Real Housewife, its good to be known for an anger problem, because the only other reason you’re on tv is for being a horrible person. “Wait are you a horrible person?” “No, I’m just the one who throws furniture!”
I first quit watching the show after all the challenges seemed to be asking people for money. It was like a high stakes version of watching a panhandler with a tin cup and funny sign.
Trump would give them a task like opening up a lemonade stand. We would see the teams work into a frenzy, plan their store, choose a location, divvy up the labor. Then the winner would be the person who asked their friend for the most money. You haven’t seen good television until you watch Celebrity Apprentice.
“How much money are you going to give me?”
“We’re getting $50,000.”
Television magic. If you like hearing people say dollar values, and there isn’t already a pledge drive on PBS, then this is the show for you! If not, then you’ll find yourself muttering “I wish they actually had to just sell lemonade for normal prices.” That’s how you know a show is bad. When you’re wishing that it was about George Takei and the chick from Wayne’s World selling lemonade.
Somehow NBC gets this to last two hours – a show about asking for money vaguely near a lemonade stand is two hours long. They do this by having a “boardroom” where Trump asks the contestants questions to try and get them to fight. He asks them who the weakest player is, despite the fact that the players have nothing to do with the outcome. Some foreign chick will blame another foreign chick for making sandwiches too slow for their loss, and then Trump, who never even saw the challenge will fire someone based on these comments. This is particularly insane, because the girls team loss has nothing to do with making sandwiches, but because the other team sold one sandwich for $400,000 to one of their friends. Yet we somehow continue under the guise that if a washed up pop star hadn’t put so much cheese on a panini, their team would have more rich friends.
The worst episode had to do with Adam Carolla leading a task to host a car show. Trump, the impeccable business man who once said he would solve the oil crisis by telling Iran to knock if off in a stern voice, wanted Michael Andretti to be the project manager because he drives cars. The men’s team picked Carolla to host the car show, because he’s paid to host three car shows. This fact is lost on Trump, who fires both of them because the producers told him to.
On his podcast, Carolla showed clips of the copy he got and how the producers fed lines to the judges for pick ups (re-recording of lines post show) and edited his presentation to make it look like he’s bombing.
This is why I’m done with the Celebrity Apprentice. I never enjoyed it. The show makes no sense. It’s clear that the outcomes are either controlled by the celebs’ rich friends and the producers. Nothing you watch on the screen matters. I suggest you quit watching it too. Just listen to elevator music for two hours, then cut to the part where Trump says “__(insert c-list celeb here)__ you’re fired.” It’d make the same amount of sense.