Planned Parenthood Rejects More Money Than They Whined About Losing….

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Planned Parenthood just rejected $500,000 from Tucker Max.

“Like many nonprofits, Planned Parenthood reserves the right to decline offers of gifts and grants that may be discriminatory, are for purposes outside of our mission, or are too difficult to administer.”

Basically, Planned Parenthood didn’t want money from Tucker Max because he’s a great big douche. Which he is. They were mad about some jokes he made about Planned Parenthood, like this gem:

“Planned Parenthood would be cooler if it was a giant flight of stairs, w/someone pushing girls down, like a water park slide.”

How hilarious right? It’s funny because abortion is controversial! And Tucker Max is sooo controversial. That’s why more than 20% of critics liked his movie. He’s the edgy voice of today’s douche youth. He just can’t be tamed – like a whiter Miley Cyrus.

Not everyone can make a joke about abortion – only everyone who tries to do comedy and fails. Go to any open mic and you will see 10-15 little Tucker Max’s making the same shitty jokes about coat hangers, stairs, and other unoriginal misogyny (cue Tucker Max screaming, “I’m not a misogynist” – we know dude, you just suck at comedy).

Planned Parenthood should absolutely take that blonde story telling douche’s money because he didn’t earn it. He’s what I would call an entertainment lottery winner. There are some facets of entertainment that very few people can do. People hate on Ryan Seacrest, but its very rare to find someone who can host a live hour long show that is constantly running behind and keep it light, fun, and moving along. It is not rare to find a Tucker Max. Literally every frat has a dumbass saying things that are more clever than Max is. If you were to take one of those class photos frats do cocaine off of and circle 10 random guys, 9 of them would be able to tell you similarly boring and trite tales of their exploits.

However, there is enough of an audience for this humor that even though it’s easy to be Tucker Max, someone has to be Tucker Max – and he won that lottery. He’s the guy that gets to do all the jokes good comedians wrote and threw away for being too easy. No one with comedic talent or sensibility respects Tucker Max. Watch Jim Norton fume at him as Tucker Max tells a blatantly bullshit story on Opie and Anthony about having combustible anal sex with a girl he just met while his buddy unknowingly filmed it (surprise! they deleted the tape by accident! isn’t it funny how that happens!).  The look on Norton’s face basically shouts, “You mean I didn’t have to learn how to be funny and do comedy? I could just combine sex with shit in make believe stories and people would give me money?”

So yes, Tucker Max is the worst. We agree on that. His stories are made up, he’s not funny, and he has an annoying voice.

So in that part I agree with Planned Parenthood. It’s not a lot of money and the source is horrible. However, the problem I have with Planned Parenthood’s rejecting that amount of money, is that it’s more or less the same amount of money Komen withheld that created a shitstorm about a couple of weeks ago.  Tucker Max wanted to donate 500k, Komen’s donations had been 600k. 

So we all had to listen to hours of news footage, millions of tweets, and nearly everyone’s facebook status, for an amount of money that Planned Parenthood can shoo away just because the donor is a douche with a nasally voice?

There was a huge media firestorm over Komen’s donation which was so small it was basically equivalent in price to a small studio apartment in Manhattan. Imagine how ridiculous MSNBC would have looked if it actually was over an apartment of equivalent price, and they had to do the story on location. “Hi I’m here live at Jim’s apartment on the Upper East Side. He’s standing near the cardboard divider between his kitchen and his bed, saying that he will no longer let Planned Parenthood have access to his 200 square foot efficiency or the hot plate!”

Wouldn’t everyone say fuck it? Who gives a shit about something so valueless? Why on earth would 26 Senators get involved over an efficiency apartment when Greece is teetering on bringing on a world recession? This was a problem so small Bloomberg basically solved it by opening up his checkbook.

The reason it was such a big deal is because abortion draws viewers. It’s a controversial issue, and probably for good reason (there’s arguments on both sides, if you disagree you’re a zealot – sorry to break it to you). Komen decided it was too controversial for them to continue supporting Planned Parenthood and calculated they’d get more money if they didn’t.

Planned Parenthood wasn’t upset about losing Komen’s money. It wasn’t even that much more than the 340k they pay their president. It did its own calculation, but it valued something different. Planned Parenthood is out for publicity and media attention. That’s why they created a fuss about not getting Komen’s money, and created a fuss about not wanting Tucker Max’s.

Guess what? Komen and Tucker Max’s money spends exactly the same.

 

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