Why a Man Shouldn’t Be Miss Universe

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Plenty of controversy over in the land of Trump!

Canada’s Miss Universe contestant “is/was/insert pc verb here (I’m too lazy to look it up)” a MAN!

Which is a problem because the competition has a stipulation that each contestant be a naturally born female, and Jenna Talackova was born a male and had sexual reassignment surgery at age 19.

On the one hand, you feel for Talackova.

“We’ve been training together for eight months so we’ve become close,” she said of the other contestants.

Then her dumbass lawyer Gloria Allred chimes in.

“That’s a blatantly discriminatory rule,” Allred said.

Yeah no shit. A female beauty pageant is by nature discriminatory Gloria.

More to the point, that’s exactly why Miss Universe shouldn’t be the area where we achieve (trans)gender equality. Whether or not you’re ready to recognize transgenders as a protected class, lets just admit they really have no place in beauty pageants. The Miss Universe contest is not medical school, it’s an outdated parade of hot stupid ass chicks. There’s really no reason for transgenders to prove that they’re a better at being a moronic piece of ass than some 5’8” sex slave from Uzbekistan.

The goal of Miss Universe is not to create equality. Allred and Talackova need to realize we’re not actually electing a queen leader of the universe. It’s a pageant that exists for two reasons – for men to beat off to, and for little girls to admire pretty girls in dresses so they can eventually develop an eating disorder. Now, I’m not sure how it became acceptable to mix those two goals, but somehow that’s how beauty pageants have evolved.

If no one had ever heard of beauty pageants and someone suggested we give out scholarships by having a bunch of chicks with vaseline on their teeth parade around in bikinis and play songs on the flute, people would tell him to shut the fuck up.

But that’s the way works now so who am I to mess with tradition? Basically, analyzing Talackova’s claim with the goals of Miss Universe in mind, here is what we get:

1.) Beating off – no guy wants to beat off to a transgender. It makes us uncomfortable because we don’t really understand the whole process. I’m sure there is a whole science to why it’s okay, but given that there are literally millions of other girls to beat off to on the internet, it’s really not necessary for us to take an intro to biology course just to beat off to this one. I’m sure quite a few people saw her picture on this post, thought she was hot, then immediately regretted it after reading the article.

2.) Girls admiring dresses – look, if your girl is young enough to want to watch three hours of people walking around in dresses, do you really want to explain to her the birds and the bees? And if yes, do you want to explain to her how sometimes birds turn into bees if they talk to there therapist enough, and then they undergo surgery where they tuck the stinger in and turn the antennae into a clitoris (I have no idea how the analogy actually works).

Anyway, you get the point. If you’re going to pick your transgender battles, the Miss Universe pageant shouldn’t be high up on the list. Let’s keep it pure, and hope that this year brings another sex tape.

 

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