After barring two teenage girls from wearing leggings on their flight, United Airlines became the most hated thing on the internet last week. The airline zoomed right past white racist terrorists and congressmen selling our internet history to take the top spot on the internet ire podium.
In fairness to United, the denied passengers were traveling on a “buddy pass,” which apparently allows employees’ families to fly with large discounts. A decision to impose dress codes on these discounted travelers could be defended, if it weren’t for the fact that one of the girls was 10 years old. I’m not a PR wizard, but you don’t want to name anything “buddy” and then admit you have very strong feelings on how 10 year old girls should be dressed. The airline may as well have branded themselves, “United – the windowless van of the sky!”
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) March 26, 2017
But in addition to filling up airtime on brainless morning shows, the controversy did bring a very important issue to the forefront – airlines need new dress codes. It used to be that everyone on the plane would wear suits or tailored dresses – everyone wore their Sunday best. Now everyone still wears their Sunday best, except your Sunday best now means you are wearing a pair of sweatpants with your name printed on the butt.
Airline passengers in 2017 dress like they are getting ready for middle school gym class. The security lines may as well have lockers so that people can change into mesh shorts and a t-shirt that hasn’t been washed all semester. We’re basically one step away from everyone boarding the plane in a bath robe they stole from a La Quinta Inn in 1998.
Because of this slovenly behavior, I propose that the FAA adopt and implement the following dress codes immediately:
First Class Dress Code – For the most part, people in first class dress fine. Outside of a few tech geeks, you don’t get rich by wearing cargo shorts and dirty flip flops.
But something needs to be done to wipe the smug off these people. Most first class passengers are first class assholes who voluntary board the plane early, purposefully spending extra time in a cramped tin box, just so that everyone in coach has to walk by and see them sitting in first class. It’s like they upgraded their seat just to watch a perp walk of poor people.
To stop all this smugness, people in first class should be forced to wear Lady Gaga-style enormous sunglasses until the plane takes off – that way no one can see who they are.
Business Class Dress Code – Business class is made up of two people: (i) exhausted consultants flying back-and-forth from a yarn factory in Toledo, and (ii) people too fat for coach.
The white collar idiots should be forced to wear company gear, so that they are eternally reminded why they are forced to spend every other day getting patted down by a 300 pound TSA agent named Bertha.
And the fat people should be forced to wear a collared shirt with no jacket, because this is the slimmest way to hide their body rolls. Nothing is worse than when a heavy-set man insists on wearing his winter coat on a flight, so not only is 80% of his upper arm spilling over into your seat, but 20 square yards of gortex is coming with it.
Comfort Section Dress Code- The comfort section now makes up three fourths of the plane on Delta. How can it be the comfort section if only four rows aren’t in it? It should just be called the normal section, and regular coach should be referred to as “the sor-rows.” The problem wth the comfort section is that people start getting too comfortable.
No one here owns a belt. Half of the bellies are uncovered, revealing scars from a belly button ring that existed 10 years and 20 pounds ago. Finding a passenger wearing shoes is as rare as getting a flight attendant who will give you the whole can of Coke.
Since no one in this section is capable of dressing themselves, the airlines should force everyone to dress in the same outfit their mom made them wear to picture day in the 5th grade. If she made you wear a green silk shirt with a clip-on-tie, you’ve got to wear a green silk shirt before you’re allowed onto the jetway.
Coach Dress Code – Whatever the airlines are calling the back of the plane now (economy, basic economy, airborne Somalia), it is ground zero for the worst dressing on the planet. If anyone in this section is wearing socks that match, the flight attendants should roll out a red carpet and start shouting “What are you wearing?!“
But can you blame the passengers? The service here is so bad it’s like airlines replaced free peanuts with walking up and down the aisle and striking random passengers with a cattle prod. Airlines are now charging people $12 for a dirty blanket.
Even prisons give convicts free blankets. That’s why the airlines should complete the transformation and transform coach into a full on penitentiary. They should make the dress code orange jumpsuits and force coach passengers to purchase them. Then the airline should stop handing out pretzel sticks so that travelers don’t use them as shivs.
If Trump truly wants to make America Great Again, he should sign an executive order making the above dress code the law of the land. Or Steve Bannon should trick him into doing it by telling him it’s an order to make Mar-a-Largo the seventh wonder of the world. Either way, the country needs this.