Song Lyrics Are Stupid

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In order to blow your mind in list form / kill 20 minutes at work, Buzzfeed recently released “65 Songs You Will Never Be Able To Listen To The Same Way Again.” The caption to the article reads:

What you are about to read may change your life.

Except it won’t change your life, because song lyrics are stupid. This list confirms that. If an artist writes a song about something, and everyone thinks the song is about something else, that song is officially about fucking nothing. For instance, if you write a song about school shootings, and I end up humming it while I put on spray tanner, that song has more to do with spray tanner than school shootings. The article should say “Here are a bunch of songs with no meaning.”

Let’s get to a few of the gems:

  • Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti” is actually about anal sex. No it’s not. Apparently Little Richard originally penned the song’s lyrics as “Tutti Frutti, good booty, If it don’t fit, don’t force it, You can grease it, make it easy.” That just proves how ridiculous it is. The fact that you can sub out five words and have a song about ass fucking played at children’s parties shows song lyrics don’t matter. It’d be the equivalent of cutting 20 seconds from Schindler’s List and turning it into an informercial for gardening tools.
  • The song “Closing Time” by Semisonic is not about closing a bar, it’s about the birth of the lead singer’s daughter. Wrong. The song Closing Time is about getting royalty checks by becoming the official anthem of bars closing. It’s like how every five years someone makes a song that repeats “New York” 500 times so it can get played at Yankees games.
  • “Semi-Charmed Life” is about a couple on a crystal meth binge. Nope. Semi-Charmed Life is about 7th grade dances for kids with horrible music choices. It has 50x more to do with Crystal Pepsi than crystal meth.
  • The Way” by Fastball is about an elderly couple who went missing and were later found dead in a ravine. Listen, if you’re going to sing about dead old people in a ravine, why are you wearing matching red throwback suits with mutton chops? “Hey guys, bring me some hot chicks to dance around me as I sing about decaying corpses in low elevation areas!”
  • The song “There She Goes” by Sixpence None the Richer is about heroin. I’m pretty sure this song is about promoting movies starring Katherine Heigl where she starts a cupcake blog and get engaged to Chris Pine on a vintage tricycle. Next you’ll try to tell me the song “Kiss Me” is about eating a homeless person’s brains on bath salts.

The moral of the story is lyrics don’t matter, so don’t feel bad if you think “Since You Been Gone” and “Every Breath You Take” are love songs. Songs mean whatever you think they do, because they are written by dumb, beautiful people with good voices. If you gave Sting a label maker junior he’d go around the house labeling everything a banana while declaring himself an artist. Feel free to label his songs how you fit.

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