A Look At The Hilarious Demands of Dartmouth Students

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Dartmouth students have decided to wage war on the evil, oppressive administration by laying the smack down with a sit-in that seems to be sanctioned and almost encouraged by the administration. The students are mostly mad about micro-aggressions against minority groups. Almost tens of students had the balls to stay overnight in the president’s office – because bigoted instutions often let groups of faux angry minorities host slumber parties on their property.

The students have now released a freedom budget, which is apparently serious business. It’s like a normal budget combined with freedom fries combined with biting the hand that literally feeds you via a meal plan. You may think this freedom budget was full of points just thrown in there, but you’d be wrong!

“None of those points are just thrown in there because we thought they should be there,” Jillian Mayer, a Dartmouth senior, said in a phone interview from Hanlon’s office. “People spent a lot of time building this Freedom Budget. I am not willing to prioritize certain things over others when all of these issues work towards the same goal.”

That’s the beauty of going to an elite college. You can feel like you are being terribly oppressed even though you have a ton of time to create a “freedom budget” and just park your ass for hours in the office of a man who actually does work. Do you know who is opressed? The people who make iphones. But they don’t make 8 page freedom budgets because they have other shit to do, and if they get a break from doing that shit they’ll use it to try and kill themselves.

Anyways, here are some of their ridiculous demands:

  • Increase enrollment of Black, Latin@, and Native students to at least 10 percent each. First of all, I don’t even know what a latino person with an @ sign is . I’m guessing its a way of making the word unisex and not oppressive, but I like to believe they want 10 percent of students at Dartmouth to be human email addresses. It’s also amazing that they want Native Americans to make up 10% of the college base despite only being 1% of the country. But hey, racial quotas are always good right?
  • Make a multi-million dollar commitment coupled with hired positions focused on increasing  numbers of faculty/staff of color (i.e. Asian, Black, Latin@, and Native faculty/staff) in all  departments and offices at Dartmouth College and the Dartmouth graduate schools (Tuck, Thayer, Geisel). Where is this money coming from? Maybe the freedom budget protests should fund it themselves. They could have a bake sale if baking wasn’t an oppressive tool that forced women to create cinnamon rolls.
  • Change the name of ‘Cutter-Shabazz Hall’ to ‘Shabazz Hall.’ The building should celebrate Blackness and human dignity, not the legacy of Victor Cutter, who was a corporate dictator for United Fruit Company in Latin America and the Caribbean. Oh right that’s where the money comes from! Donations from rich white men! They’re all corporate dictators, but yet, we should still keep all the money they donated. We will totally use their fortunes if it means we get two flavors of frozen yogurt from the dining hall.
  • Departments that do not have womyn or people of color will be considered in crisis and must take urgent and immediate action to right the injustice. Hello, 911, we have a crisis on our hand! We have three Indian and two Asian guys in the physical chemistry department! They are teaching peacefully and trying to cure diseases! Someone needs to stop them!
  • Gender-neutral housing must be available to all students, regardless of what year they are in. The college needs to ensure that gender-neutral housing does not get stigmatized. It’s one thing to ask for gender-neutral housing to be a thing, it’s another to demand it be perceived as cool. No one is lining up to see a movie called “Old School 2: Gender-Neutral Housing,” where instead of jello wrestling naked girls everyone sits around and argues over the correct pronunciation of the pronoun “zhe.”
  • All male-female checkboxes should be replaced with write-in boxes to make forms, surveys and applications more inclusive for trans*, two-spirit, agender, gender-nonconforming and  genderqueer folks. Because the purpose of a survey isn’t to gather information, it’s to give everyone an opportunity to express themselves. If student health needs to know how many females are using their services, they’ll just have to sort through three thousand surveys by hand interpreting whether or not they should order birth control for people who wrote “genderqueer” and “the quad smells like farts.”

But perhaps here is the most telling demand: “Incorporate into each department at least one queer studies class.”

Unemployment is still near 7%, and its much, much higher for new graduates. Granted, Dartmouth students are smart and they may be some of the very few who manage to find jobs with liberal arts degrees. But the fact of the matter is there’s a reason queer studies classes lack funding. It’s hard to make money off of queer studies knowledge. Queer studies knowledge doesn’t cure cancer, it doesn’t make iPods, and it doesn’t make people fat – and those are the only three ways to make money in the modern economy.  If these protesters really want to help minorities, they should be doing their best to ensure none of them ever waste their time in a queer studies class. That way in 20 years they’ll manage to make enough money to name Dartmouth buildings whatever they want.

 

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