Comic Books Already Draw Male Super Heroes in a Sexist Way

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People have been in a flurry over the new drawings of female spiderwomen – saying that she is too sexualized and that the drawings are sexist. Internet bloggers took to the story like Joey Chestnut to a hot dog, smashing cancerous shit down their gullet until they set new records for pointless outrage. Who knew there were people who had enough spare time to read comic books  and engage in internet faux-feminism?

It’s really hard to see where the criticism is coming from. Is anyone really shocked that a medium dominated by teenage boys would choose to draw big boobs on their chicks? Rather than criticize Marvel for making its character hot, Huffington Post should realize this is just how Marvel sells shit. It’s like how Huffington Post always has “Trayvon Martin,” “John Stewart destroys  [something that is not destroy],” or “Kardashian nip slip” in all of its posts. my-favorite-Gadget-screencaps-chip-n-dale-rescue-rangers-29923849-720-540

It’s escapism, and that escapism has a long history. Men being attracted to cartoon characters is a tale as old as time – which is coincidentally the song that annoying tea kettle sings as guys wonder what Belle from Beauty and the Beast would look like naked. From Betty Boop to Jessica Rabbit to Gadget from the Rescue Rangers, guys have always had crushes on cartoons.

Moreover, the whole point of drawings is that they’re better than real people. No one reads comic books to get an accurate representation of what cellulite looks like on a woman’s thighs, or how Clark Kent would look with male pattern balding. That’s what makes this viral post entitled “If Marvel Drew Male Superheroes the Same Way It Draws Female Ones, Here’s How Absurd It Would Look” so ridiculous. It shows images like this:

male superhero

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Fat Haley Joel

But that’s not lampooning male comic book figures. That is what male superheroes look like! He may not look like Captain America, but he’s a dead ringer for He-Man. Comic book characters are always jacked handsome dudes. They never look like Neil DeDegrasse Tyson or fat Haley Joel Osment. Every male superhero looks like they’ve been drenched in body oil and lathered up like they’re a go-go dancer about to go on stage at George Takei’s birthday party (its not homophobic to admit that gay men are in great shape – who knows what they do between the sheets but they all seem to emerge with six packs).

The irony is that bloggers had previously been yelling at Marvel from their internet porches, screaming that they needed more female super hero leads. Now that they have one, they criticize her for being to unrealistic. It goes to show that our society has become so fat it is more believable for a woman to shoot spider webs from her hands than to have big breasts and a flat stomach.

We don’t have to be so angry all the time. Someone drew a make believe story about a woman who has a big ass and fights crime because she’s half-spider. This makes no one upset, but it’s a nice topic to pounce on for a day if your job is to act like you’re upset at something.

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