A Fun Look At The Lies In Hilary’s Email Press Conference

hilary email

This afternoon Hilary held  a press conference to discuss her use of a private email server as Secretary of State. While most people think of her email scandal as a minor story, it is interesting for the simple reason that it’s fun to imagine why she did it. For what purpose did she set up a personal email server in her home once she was confirmed as Secretary of State? She had presidential ambitious and knew this would come out eventually, so why did she feel the need to do it? It wasn’t like it would go unnoticed. Legal or not, against policy or not, everyone knows you’re not supposed to just show up at work your first day and say “Nah, I’m not going to use the employee email – I’ve set up my own server in my apartment and I think I’m just going to stick with that.”

The likely explanation is that she wanted her own email and server so her emails would be her property rather than the governments – shielding her from both subpoenas FOIA requests. The basic reasoning being that if you have your own email server, neither your boss nor Gmail can turn over your dick pics if you wife asks for them. You have to be the one to release your emails and if you won’t cooperate the court has to get involved.

It’s easy to imagine that there are more sinister reasons she set up her own private email server. Even if she’s just trying to hide them, that still means she is trying to hide something. Who knows what she is trying to cover up as Secretary of State? Kissinger was so secretive arodhe gave his documents to the Library of Congress upon the condition that they would be sealed until five years after his death.  Whatever was in his documents, he wants to be sure as shit he’s dead when they come out. God forbid he die, we see his plans for infecting baby seals with small pox or some other super villain plan, and then he gets re-imitated a year later and then he has to look us in the eye.

It’s fun to drum up these type of conspiracy theories, and luckily Hilary left the door open when she did nothing but lie during her press conference. It’s funny that we criticize baseball players for handwriting apologies for what they’ve done, but we don’t really care when politicians routinely, blatantly and emphatically lie to us.

Here is some of the best bullshit Hilary spouted:

First, when I got to work as secretary of state, I opted for convenience to use my personal email account, which was allowed by the State Department, because I thought it would be easier to carry just one device for my work and for my personal emails instead of two.

While it may or may not be true that the emails were allowed by the state department, it certainly isn’t convenient to set up your own email server in your home. My wife won’t even let me get a toaster oven because it takes up too much space. Hil-dawg is setting up a fucking server next to her broach collection? (And you know she has a broach collection).

Looking back, it would’ve been better if I’d simply used a second email account and carried a second phone, but at the time, this didn’t seem like an issue.

We know the two phone excuse is bogus Hilary Clinton already had a blackberry, an ipad, an ipad mini, and an iphone. And she admitted to carrying her ipad and blackberry in her purse at the same tame. But more importantly, these devices are easily capable of handling multiple email accounts. I have three email accounts on my phone. Saying you have your own email server because you don’t want two phones is like saying that you don’t listen to music or check the weather because you don’t want to carry separate iPads for Spotify and the Weather.com app. It’s a blatant, stupid lie.

Second, the vast majority of my work emails went to government employees at their government addresses, which meant they were captured and preserved immediately on the system at the State Department.

You know, except the ones that weren’t captured. Like the ones to her staff who also used the server, or to the people who don’t have a government address, or to the people who do have a government address who she told not to email her on their government address. The vast majority of emails were captured, just like how Oklahoma Fraternities aren’t singing songs about the n-word the vast majority of their time – so there’s definitely nothing to see there either.

Third, after I left office, the State Department asked former secretaries of state for our assistance in providing copies of work- related emails from our personal accounts. I responded right away and provided all my emails that could possibly be work-related, which totalled roughly 55,000 printed pages, even though I knew that the State Department already had the vast majority of them. We went through a thorough process to identify all of my work- related emails and deliver them to the State Department.

See she turned over all the emails that were work-related! It doesn’t matter that it was in her opinion that they were work related! There was a lot of them – 55,000, and quantity is what matters here. It’s like that shell game! If the street performer pulls up two cups without a ball, that means there’s no ball, right?

At the end, I chose not to keep my private personal emails — emails about planning Chelsea’s wedding or my mother’s funeral arrangements, condolence notes to friends as well as yoga routines, family vacations, the other things you typically find in inboxes.

Sure she’s keeping some emails private, but it’s just about yoga routines! No one wants to hear about an old woman doing yoga, that’s disgusting. Oh and her mom died, remember? Why is anyone even asking about these emails? It’s basically a slap in the face to her dead mother. In fact, most of the emails are probably about how her dead mother would never have wanted Hilary’s emails released, so maybe we should just respect her dying wishes?

Hilary then went on to take questions, but rather than answer the questions she just repeated the four talking points above.  Then she gave a not surprising response to one of the more obvious questions:

QUESTION: How could the public be assured that when you deleted emails that were personal in nature, that you didn’t also delete emails that were professional, but possibly unflattering? And what do you think about this Republican idea of having an independent third party come in an examine your emails?

CLINTON: Well first of all, you have to ask that question to every single federal employee, because the way the system works, the federal employee, the individual, whether they have one device, two devices, three devices, how many addresses, they make the decision.

So, even if you have a work-related device with a work-related .gov account, you choose what goes on that. That is the way our system works. And so we trust and count on the judgment of thousands, maybe millions of people to make those decisions.

So that’s just the way the system works. We’re supposed to trust someone who is doing nothing but lie throughout her entire press conference. And we’re supposed to to believe that someone who clearly set up an email system for the specific intention of hiding things, then chose not to hide anything when they had the option of deleting things without anyone knowing.

It’s crazy, but that’s the system we have due to the partisan world we live in. It doesn’t matter if a candidate is setting up servers to hide from the American public and then openly lying to their faces. To win the primary it just matters if that candidate can raise money, and to win votes it just matters if there is a (D) or (R) next to their name. So the lies continue.


To the surprise of no one, it was announced that Hilary deleted all the emails from her server. This of course was always the plan. The reason she had a physical server was so that she could delete any email she wanted without having anyone else retain a copy.

Now they are gone forever. I’m sure she will say that this too is for convenience. Because what is more convenient than having years of records wiped out for eternity? Why would she ever want to remember the contact info for the florist from Chelsea’s wedding, or access those vacation old photos? I’m sure we would all have the same exact reaction if years of our personal emails  were deleted – “how convenient!”

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